the inane and incredible experience called life

wander

Really, where is home, if you’re not there?

Where can I go to feel your embrace, to hear your advice, to know your love?

I find temporary replacements. I fill my heart with not so temporary love.

They love me, but not the way you did.

They offer a home to me, but it isn’t my own.

Some don’t understand, question, criticize.

I turn the other cheek. It doesn’t matter to me.

You can’t understand what you haven’t experienced.

I can’t hold that against you.

Each person plays a part in filling my heart with what has been lost.

It’s not so bad, it’s not so unhealthy, it’s what I have.

Each a piece of one incomplete puzzle.

One part will always be missing.

But better almost whole

Than completely empty.

Thanks to them.

My temporary family.

intangible memories flood my mind

as i attempt to mark them with material pieces.

the flowers that lay on his casket that day were white

because she wanted only the very best… and i agreed.

soft, moist petals adorned the chestnut case

that held him there in the front

for people to remember.

they all cried, kind words were spoken.

his body, taken away…

one

white

flower

fell from the spray.

i found it once

after the seasons had all changed.

no longer was it live and supple.

as i held it in my hand,

pieces crumbled to the floor.

tiny specks of petal stuck to my skin

and i remembered what was once beautiful.

not only the flowers but a life.

a life lived fully,

generously.

it was still beautiful, as i tucked it away.

but not as it was once.

it was the hollow shell, an echo

of something once more vibrant.

“have a seat!” she heard him say,

“i’d rather not, if that’s okay…”

“but why, they’re empty, can’t you see?”

“i’m sorry, sir, it won’t suit me.”

“pick your color, sit right down!”

“i told you, no,” she gave a frown.

“ah, how am i to teach today?”

“i know you’ll surely find a way.”

“students, students, minds to fill!”

“i think you may be overkill.”

“who shall i instruct say you?”

“perhaps your rest is overdue,”

“rest and waste this precious time?”

“i don’t mean to be unkind…”

“then get your pencils, read your books!”

“sir, you’re getting dirty looks.”

“this i do not understand.”

“sir, i will not reprimand…

nor do i intend to mock,

but it is sunday, six o’clock….”

*all photos used with permission

This is Vanessa. She is one of my students. I can’t discuss the specifics of her condition, but she is a bright and wonderful visually impaired 4 year old with whom I have developed a very strong bond with. Vanessa started in my class last year and was very resistant to working with anyone for many weeks. I started working one on one with her, taking on the role of teacher and therapist. It was super challenging but the most rewarding experience I have yet to encounter in my work with these children. Eventually Vanessa warmed up to the idea of working with other teachers and therapists, but I spent many hours outside of class alongside her during her sessions. Vanessa uses a walker as an assistive device for mobility purposes, and she is now able to walk the length of a football field. Vanessa’s condition doesn’t allow her to function typically. She has seizures and difficulty with utensils and everyday life skills. My hope for this little girl who has captured my heart is that she will go on to lead as independent a life as she possibly can. One day I hope to be able to tell her how much she has taught me about life and love. It’s the little accomplishments that take us the furthest sometimes.

how can i apologize

for those things i truly

do despise?

coffee

watered down.

flower

wilted on the ground.

picture

such an ugly smile.

all that wasted time

i waited all the while.

clouds

that never rain.

pain

that never brings the gain.

lies

that i believed inside.

i paid

she took a free ride.

box

that doesn’t house him right.

disease

that won’t restore her sight.

legs

just won’t hold her up.

hands

shake when she holds her cup.

friends

there for some laughs.

tragedy

this time they’ll pass.

heart

breaks when it should be healed.

lock

opens up what needs concealed.

pretend

you’re happy all the while.

clenched teeth

behind that smile.

how can i apologize

for those things

i really do

despise?

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

It’s getting way too quiet out here.

Lift me up into the sky,

I won’t forget you as I fly.

I’ll catch a star and name it after you.

When it shines, right on cue

I’ll recall fond memories of you.

I’ll shed my heavy wings

Let it go and remember things

Like the songs you’d sing to me.

The way your smile lit up my face,

The scent of your sweet and strong embrace.

Nostalgia fogs my racing mind

Release and let my heart unwind…

Conformity

Like a wind-up chime in a digital clock,

Bird aboard an airplane,

A crippled boy who’s told to walk,

Window made of cellophane.

I have no place,

I cannot be.

This expression on my face

Is the only one I’ll let you see.

I love to race,

You’d rather walk,

I’ll slow my pace,

Start the clock.

My favorite color was always blue,

But you like red, I see.

I must admit that was untrue,

Red does look rather good on me.

A stamp on an email,

Rubber band that doesn’t snap,

A sunless tanner who’s still pale,

True fan’s unworn baseball cap.

I have no place,

I cannot be.

This expression on my face

Is one of conformity.

dad

on a hazy tuesday afternoon the phone rings, and i think… maybe it’s you.

maybe you’re not gone and it’s all just a dream…

if only heaven had a payphone.

you’d call and i’d smile, i’d talk and you’d laugh.

if only you’d come back…

i’d trade a million things to see your face or just for one more embrace

even if i had to let you go it would be one more recent memory… less distant than before.

it’s a pain that doesn’t cease and a hurt that doesn’t heal

but a pride that remains and a love i’ll always feel.

Napkin

A red streak of something stained her perfectly pressed white dress

She looked up only to see that no one noticed the accident

She folded piece over piece to hide the blemish

Turning her head toward the sun, she realized she was

Surrounded yet alone

The faces around her began to morph into falsified smiles

And cackles that exposed the vulnerability of the laughers

Fairy tale characters gone wrong

Stuck in a story she wasn’t penning

Falling victim to a plot that was less than her own

Grabbing a napkin off the festively decorated table,

She covered her face

Specks of sunlight were visible through the unintended perforations

She smiled

The world, her world

Was better this way

Someone called her name but she pretended not to hear

Again, it beckoned, but it was as if her hands were frozen in place

Holding that cloth to her face

She breathed in deep the bland fabric before lowering it to find

The world had not changed

Conditions, none.

I have three smiles,

He knows each one.

When I am broken,

I write. I wonder.

And when I am overcome with joy,

I want to share it with the whole world.

We dance on these days.

Music soothes me;

It helps me speak my soul.

My laughter is never nervous,

My eyes narrow and my head tilts

When I listen.

I am passionate about people,

Sometimes too helpful,

And always hopeful.

He watches me move,

Hears me speak,

Knows when I am blue.

When my world collapses,

He loves me still.

Better than any friend-

He knows me well,

And loves me always.